Me, Mac and Sarah
by Willowph
Summary: Set directly after TILAM. Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm and takes action.
1. Me, Mac and Sarah

Title: Me, Mac and Sarah Author: Chris Rating: PG Summary: Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm then takes action. Spoilers: set right after 'take it like a man' Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Feedback: appreciated but not required  
  
Chapter 1 Mac's POV  
  
Clay's been asleep for a few hours now, but I can't. I'm just standing here staring out the window at the rain. I think back over the events of the past week, the conversations I've had with Clay. Why can't he understand that sometimes I don't want to be the marine, I don't want to rationalize killing sadik, I just want to be able to cry. Now that I think about it Clay can't tell the difference between the three mes. I'm not saying I'm crazy or that I have multiple personalities but I do have three main emotional states.  
  
Firstly there's Sarah MacKenzie. The me I am everyday, joking, fun loving, steady working me. I don't really care what people call me when I'm like that, which is most of the time. Most people call me Mac, a few call me Sarah and Harm has more than a few nicknames for Sarah MacKenzie.  
  
Then there's Mac or Colonel MacKenzie. She's the kick-ass Jarhead who's tough and stubborn to a fault. She's who I become if I need to forget that I'm a woman and just be the title, Marine. She's who takes over on the battlefield, in Sadik's shed and quite frequently in the interrogation room. She puts her feelings aside and gets the job done.  
  
Finally, there's Sarah. Sarah's the woman, the emotional, soft, fragile one. The one who picks up the emotions that Mac pushed aside. She's the one who cried when Harm went down in the Atlantic and who needed to cry tonight.  
  
I'm not very often Sarah or Mac but when I am I want people to notice, or at least my significant other. Clay never has, he always calls me Sarah so maybe he thinks he's getting away with not knowing when I am Sarah, but he's not. I can tell by his tone of voice, it doesn't change. Harm's voice changes, even if we're somewhere that he can't call me Sarah the tone of his voice changes to let me know that he noticed. He'll say Mac but in this soft gentle velvety voice, his voice says Mac but his heart says Sarah. He always knows when I'm Colonel MacKenzie too. His voice becomes really professional and he'll always call me Colonel or Marine. Harm can always tell, he knows exactly when they change too. That's good because a lot of the time the Colonel is quite quickly followed by Sarah. Clay doesn't see it, I don't know why but this much is clear if he can't see it, he can't see me.  
  
I put down the blanket I had wrapped around my shoulders and finish getting dressed. I need to cry, I need for someone to hold me without trying to talk. There's only one place I can get that, I just hope he doesn't mind being woken up. 


	2. a late night visit

Title: Me, Mac and Sarah Author: Chris Rating: PG Summary: Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm then takes action. Spoilers: set right after 'take it like a man' Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Feedback: appreciated but not required  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Harm's POV  
  
I'm woken up by a knocking on my door. At first I think it's Mattie, but if were her or Jen they'd use their key. As I get up I glance at the clock, who'd be at my door at 2:27 in the morning? I put my robe on and cinch it around my waist. I look through the peep hole and quickly open the door to find a very wet and teary eyed Sarah MacKenzie.  
  
"Mac, what are you doing here? Are you all right?" I ask as I usher her inside.  
  
"He was down when I killed him Harm." She says, "I winged him in the shoulder he couldn't hurt me. He could have given us information. He was down and I shot him in the head. But I'm not sorry."  
  
"Oh Sarah," I say and open my arms which she readily falls into.  
  
I want to know what happened but I don't want to push her. Right now she doesn't need me to push her. Right now she's not lt. col. MacKenzie of the United States marine corps, she's just Sarah.  
  
I gently lead her over to the couch.  
  
"Sarah you don't have to, but if you want to talk I'll listen," I say gently.  
  
"Can we just sit here a while?" she asks me. She doesn't sound like herself, so vulnerable.  
  
"Of course," I tell her and hold her more tightly. She snuggles into my arms and we sit like that for a while.  
  
I wonder why she's here and not with Clay, I know he's back in town. That's another question I'm not about to ask though. She doesn't need me invading her private life right now. The woman in my arms is just simply Sarah. Maybe that's what's wrong, Clay didn't see it. He's a spook, he kills people all the time, he compromises what ever morals he has and rationalizes it away. He doesn't understand what Mac is feeling, the guilt of killing the man, and I imagine the guilt of not being sorry she did. I know eventually she'll tell me the story, I'll just wait until she's ready. 


	3. The AntiHarm

Title: Me, Mac and Sarah Author: Chris Rating: PG Summary: Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm then takes action. Spoilers: set right after 'take it like a man' Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Feedback: appreciated but not required  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Mac's POV  
  
As Harm holds me I think of how right it feels. He holds me with just the right amount of strength, tight enough that I feel safe but not so tight that I feel trapped. Clay doesn't do that, the times he does hold me it's like he's hanging on for his life.  
  
I start thinking about what Clay said, that I was with him because Harm wasn't available. Maybe Clay is right, Harm is everything I want and Clay's the anti Harm. That way nothing he does reminds me of Harm. Only problem with that is that it means he does nearly everything wrong.  
  
The most important thing is that Harm can recognize the difference between Sarah MacKenzie, Mac and Sarah but there are other things too. Probably the one I've noticed the most this week is the alcohol. I know Harm drinks but he doesn't do it around me. The only time I see him with alcohol is if I show up unannounced at his place. Even then he usually pours it down the sink. He has respect for my alcoholism, he knows I can control myself but he's not about to test or taunt me. Clay knows I'm an alcoholic but he doesn't seem to care unless I try to take a drink. He drinks around me constantly, but the worst part is he leaves his alcohol at my place when he leaves. Just because I've been sober for five years doesn't mean I won't be tempted by a glass of liquor, especially after a week like this one.  
  
I need people to be there when I need them, Clay's out of town so much that he's almost never there at all, never mind when I need him the most. He's not just out of town or the country either, he's incommunicado. I have no way to get in touch with him, sometimes all I need is just to hear the sound of his voice. Harm is always there, if he's not physically nearby he's only a phone call away. Sometimes all I need is for someone to listen and Harm always does that.  
  
Harm can somehow always tell when I'm restless, even if we're not sleeping in the same bed or even the same room. I move to get up and he's awake asking if there's anything wrong. I got out of bed and was staring out the window for over half an hour and Clay was dead to the world. I got dressed and left the apartment and he didn't wake up. When the man's not on a mission he sleeps like a log. I know that shouldn't be so important to me but it is.  
  
I know I said 'never' in Paraguay but I was wrong, I need Harm, I always have. Clay was just a substitute, a relationship built out of pity and the need to not feel alone. This has to end, it's not fair to Clay, it's not fair to Harm and it's definitely not fair to me. 


	4. talking

Title: Me, Mac and Sarah Author: Chris Rating: PG Summary: Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm then takes action. Spoilers: set right after 'take it like a man' Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Feedback: appreciated but not required  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Harm's POV  
  
Some time around quarter past three the sobs grow quiet. I ask Mac is she wants some water or maybe tea.  
  
"Tea would be great," she says hoarsely.  
  
I fill the kettle and plug it in then return to the couch.  
  
"You want to talk about it?" I ask gently.  
  
"Ya, I think I have to," she says, "I tried talking to the psychiatrist but too much of the file was classified." I nod my head and she continues.  
  
"After I left here that night I met up with the CIA and they put a wire one me. Sadik met up with me at a middle eastern restaurant and took me back to an apartment at gunpoint. He seemed to think we were kindred spirits, that he could convert me to Islam and make a proper woman out of me. While I was there he told me of his plan to bomb a night club frequented by people of middle-eastern descent. A few minutes later the emergency vehicles arrived at the club. While he was looking out the window I slipped my shoes of and took him down. Eventually I ended up with the gun. He pulled another gun from his back and I shot him in the shoulder. He wouldn't have been able to hurt me but I was blinded by the rage I had for what he had done to you and Clay. I shot him in the head. I know I should be sorry that I shot him because we could have interrogated him, but I'm not."  
  
"Oh god Sarah, I don't know what to say," I tell her, "I could say that he deserved it and that you did what you had to but I know from experience that doesn't make it feel any better. I think all I can say is that you have to find your own way to work through this, just don't keep things bottled up inside. Talk to someone, write a diary maybe take some time and go up to red rock mesa."  
  
She doesn't say anything and I pull her back into my arms. Just then the kettle whistles and I get up to make the tea.  
  
"Harm?" she says in a small voice, "can I stay here tonight? I can't go back to my apartment. Clay's still there and I can't deal with him right now."  
  
"Of course you're always welcome here," I say and I place the cup of tea in her hands, "You can take the bed, I'll sleep on the couch."  
  
"I don't think I can fall asleep alone tonight, can you just hold me?" she asks, "at least until I fall asleep?"  
  
Falling asleep with Sarah MacKenzie in my arms is something a dream about doing. Thoughts like that don't belong here tonight though, tonight it's not about me it's about her.  
  
"Of course," I say, "do you have your sea bag or do you need something to sleep in?"  
  
"I have my sea bag in the car," she says. She moves to get up, I stop her.  
  
"You stay here, I'll get it." I pick her keys up off the table and head down to her corvette. When I open the trunk I find not only her sea bag but also a dry cleaner's bag with one of her uniforms in it. She must keep it in the car in case she sleeps over at Clay's. I bring that upstairs too.  
  
When I re-enter the apartment I hand her the sea bag and hang the uniform up in my closet. 


	5. breakfast

Title: Me, Mac and Sarah Author: Chris Rating: PG Summary: Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm then takes action. Spoilers: set right after 'take it like a man' Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Feedback: appreciated but not required  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Mac's POV  
  
When he hands me my sea bag I notice he's brought up my extra uniform too. I know he must of figured out why it was in my trunk but he doesn't say a word just hangs it up in the closet next to his.  
  
I drain the rest of my tea and head to the bathroom to change. When I come back out Harm has turned off all the lights and is already in bed. He holds the covers up for me. I slide into the bed next to him and cuddle into his chest. I'm so exhausted I fall asleep almost immediately but not before I feel him kiss my hair and whisper, "good night ninja girl."  
  
"'night Harm," I mumble half asleep.  
  
The nest morning I awake to a familiar smell. That is it's familiar until I realize where I am. Harm's cooking bacon? Oh right, he has meat in the apartment for Mattie and Jen.  
  
Mattie and Jen! What are we going to tell them when I show up at the breakfast table? I guess we'll deal with it when it happens, right now I need a shower. I shower with marine efficiency and am ready to go within 15 minutes. Before heading down the stairs I peek out to see if Mattie and Jen are here yet. They aren't.  
  
"Morning Flyboy," I say cheerfully. For once I really am, last night was the best night's sleep I've had since Paraguay.  
  
"Morning Mac," He says and he hands me a plate of bacon, eggs and toast.  
  
"Harm what are we going to tell Mattie and Jen when they come for breakfast?" I ask.  
  
"The truth," Harm replies, "that you were upset last night and that you came over."  
  
"But what about why I stayed?" I ask.  
  
"We can say that I wouldn't let you because of the rain," Harm says. He pauses for a moment before asking the question I've been dreading, "why did you stay last night Mac. What happened with Clay that you couldn't face him?"  
  
"It's kind of a long story," I say, "but the short version is he tried to rationalize killing Sadik when all I wanted was to be held. And then when I got here and you were doing just that I realized how much my relationship with Clay is a sham. He said something to me the other day, and last night I realised it was true."  
  
"What did he say?" Harm asks gently.  
  
"He said that the only reason I was with him was because you weren't available," I tell him, "he was right, I was with him because you weren't available and he was the anti Harm."  
  
Harm seemed a little taken aback by the bluntness of the statement. It took him a few seconds to regain his voice, "I'm available Sarah, I just come with a little more baggage now."  
  
"I realize that now," I say, "And I want to take back what I said in Paraguay. I want to take back all of it but especially when I said never. There's still this thing between us, there always will be, I want to try to make it work between us."  
  
"What about Clay?" Harm asks. He's got disbelief in his voice like his thinks this might all be a dream.  
  
"I'll have lunch with him today," I say, "I'll break things off with him. It never would have worked with him anyways, even if you weren't in the picture."  
  
"Can I just do one thing before the girls get here?" Harm asks me as gets out of his chair to come closer to me.  
  
"What's that?" I ask. I have an idea but I just want to be sure.  
  
"This," he says before he softly kisses my lips.  
  
It's that exact moment that I hear the sound of the door knob being turned. Harm quickly pulls away and turns to the kitchen before the girls can catch us kissing and assume something totally different about last night. 


	6. the confession

Chapter 6  
  
Harm's POV  
  
I hear the door knob being turned and quickly pull away from Mac and stand up.  
  
"Mmm bacon," I hear Mattie say before she notices Mac, "Mac? What are you doing here?"  
  
"I was pretty upset last night so I came to talk to Harm," Mac explains, "then he wouldn't let me drive home in the rain so I crashed on the couch."  
  
"Did you and Mr. Webb have a fight ma'am?" Jen asks, the tone of her voice making it clear that Mac doesn't have to answer.  
  
"No it's more like Mr. Webb doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut." Mac says with a tone that I know says 'conversation topic closed.'  
  
Jen knows what that tone means, unfortunately Mattie doesn't.  
  
"So are you going to break up with him," Mattie asks in her usual manner.  
  
"Yes Mattie, I am, but not just because of that. There are a lot of factors the foremost being that I don't love him." Mac says.  
  
"It's hard to love someone when you're in love with someone else ma'am." Jen says.  
  
I am amazed at Jen's bravery, I'm just waiting for Mac to take the petty officer's head off.  
  
"You're right Jen, it is," Mac says before giving me a smile. I have to do my best not to drop the fork that's in my hand. Mac more or less just said she loved me. I have to think of something to say to let her know I feel the same way.  
  
"I think we both learned that from experience," I say to her and return the smile. This time it's her who nearly drops her glass of orange juice.  
  
"Come on Mattie," Jen says, "I think the colonel and commander need some time alone." They're almost out the door when I think of something.  
  
"Jen, not a word of this to anyone in the office, especially Harriet," I say, "That goes for you too young lady." I say to Mattie.  
  
They nod and then leave, closing the door behind them.  
  
"Did you mean what you said?" Mac asks me. "Did you?" a reply. I don't want to admit that I love this woman if she doesn't feel the same way.  
  
"I asked first, did you mean what you said?" she asks again.  
  
"About loving you? Every syllable," I say with complete sincerity, "did you mean it?"  
  
"Every word," she says and then reaches up and kisses me passionately. I return the kiss with equal fervour until we have to pull apart for air.  
  
"We should get going flyboy," Mac says, "It's 7:33. Oh, you should probably wipe the lip stick off your face first." She grins at me as I go to check my reflection in the mirror. Sure enough there's lipstick smeared all over my lips. I quickly wipe it off before brushing my teeth.  
  
While I'm brushing my teeth Mac joins me. We stand there side by side in front of the sink.  
  
I could get used to this, waking up with Mac in my arms, eating breakfast with her, getting ready for work. It just feels right, like my world would be complete.  
  
We finish getting ready and head out. Mattie is taking the bus today and Jen's taking her car so I don't have to stop by their place.  
  
Just before we get into our respective cars Mac calls to me. "Harm, what are we going to do about the admiral," she asks unsure, "I mean if we're really going to give this a try we'll have to tell him at some point."  
  
I think for a moment before replying, "Why don't we wait a few weeks just to make sure this really works. Then we'll tell him." Mac nods her agreement before we both get into our cars and head for JAG HQ.  
  
The end? 


	7. Author's note

Author's note, First of all thanks to everyone for the wonderful reviews. Secondly I am working on a sequel but here's the deal. I'm one of those people that can start a million fics but can't seem to finish them. Thus I only start posting a fic after it's already done. So I'm working on the sequel, 'fate', and if it gets finished a will post it. If I can't finish it I'll post another author's note to this fic to let you all know. Oh and if I do finish it you won't see it for at least a week, I'm in exams right now.  
  
Willowph 


End file.
